Have you ever harboured resentment, nursed a grudge or desired “vengeance”?

Whether this is you today, yesterday, or weeks, months and years ago.

How do we move on with our lives?                                  

Here’s what we understand so far.

Beliefs – formed throughout our lives – characterise our worlds and express themselves in behaviours.

Our relationship to the past – influenced through our beliefs – impacts ourselves in the present.

Here’s what we can gather.

Letting go of grudges is at the heart of renewing our world and transforming ourselves.

Remember David who, like me, failed his Oxford admission? David is still dragged down by his “failure” while the Oxford professors have moved on. His failure has tinted his glasses to the point that he doubts his academic ability and behaves defensively whenever the topic of university choice comes up in conversation.

David resents the Oxford professors he feels, yet also blames himself for not achieving his expectations.

How can David – and people like David – accept their past and let go their guilt and resentment?

Images Frozen in Time

Think of somebody you’ve had issues with.

You hold a specific image of them in your mind’s eye. It’s a “frozen image”: a poster hanging on the walls of your mind. Who you’re thinking of right now is based on one static picture – but this representation you have of them directs how you approach them in real life.

Your frozen image holds how they made – or make – you feel, and reflects the impact they HAD on you.

Now consider someone you’ve had profound issues with. It could be a different person or even an earlier version of yourself.

Their frozen image contains the negative energy – like a radioactive fallout – that continues to radiate a damaging effect on you.

Holding on to this means you never let that damage go as if you were nursing a cut that never heals.

So, if it’s so bad, why would anybody hold onto it – let alone you?

I am someone who has held my share of grudges and felt justified in doing so! We feel entitled in our grievances.

Hold a grudge and don’t forgive. It’s “payback”; it’s sweet revenge. Right?

I remember a teacher who got me into trouble five years ago. For a long time, I held a grudge against him. I felt hurt and misunderstood by his action. I didn’t care that he was doing his job – in my eyes, he did not handle the incident equitably, causing me emotional pain. I refused to let it pass for two years – just to get back at him.

Unfortunately, as I found out…

Our resentment, anger and sadness don’t reach the person to whom they are directed they only aggravate us.

Ask yourself: would you drink poison and expect the other person to die? These words of wisdom by Buddha precisely illustrate the paradox of holding grudges.

That’s a crazy thought! That’s what we often do, nonetheless: we poison ourselves by allowing anger, sadness, pain and resentment to build up.

Forgiveness is the antidote to this poison.