Some people are impossible, aren’t they?

Take my friend James. I’ve tried to share my ideas with him for years, but never listens. I keep trying to get closer to him, yet he keeps pushing me away. If he knew I was changing his name to maintain his anonymity in this blog post, he’d probably argue with me about that, too!

It sucks to feel frustrated and misunderstood by the people around us. Parents, teachers, friends, “friends”, you name it. We’ve all had experiences like this (but if you haven’t, contact me, I want to interview you).

Why does this happen?

It’s a matter of perspective

We tend to get attached to our stories and our perspectives to the point where they quickly become “the truth”; the only “reality”.

What would happen if we were actually looking at the situation from their viewpoints?

What could we learn? How would our perception shift if we could examine things from different angles?

Take a moment to recall an unresolved conflict that you’d like to explore that involves you and another person. It might be a difficult conversation or series of unpleasant interactions – perhaps with a James like mine.

See your problems in a new light

This is best done with another person (in my case, a friend who isn’t James) who can follow these words and guide you. Considering helping each other out by taking turns as the guide and the explorer!

Get your hands on four Post-It notes (or an assortment of convenient paper) and write 1, 2, 3, and 4 each on different notes. Put them on the floor in front of you, or on four empty chairs.

Followin’ me so far? Awesome!

Stand (or sit) in First Position (1). This is your current viewpoint.

Remember the situation you were in: feel what you felt, hear what you heard, and imagine seeing what you saw.

Imagine looking at your “problem person” in front of you. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling, experiencing and thinking as I look at them?”

Take your time to relive the experience. As thoughts come, acknowledge them without judgement.

Step out of of First Position when you’re ready.

Take a deep breath – believe me, you’ve earned it.

Literally shake yourself off – it’s the best way I’ve found to leave the previous state behind you. Be sure to do this every time you change position!

Now, step into Second Position (2). Here you’re observing the situation through the other person’s eyes.

Pretty cool, right?

Ask yourself, “What am I feeling, experiencing and thinking, as I look at the imaginary me still standing in First Position?”

Step out of Second Position once you feel you’ve got all you need.

Remember your complimentary deep breath and shakin’ time!

Get yourself into Third Position (3) to become an independent observer to what’s going on.

You have a chance to look at yourself in First Position and see the other person in Second Position.

What do you notice?  What do you make of your behaviour in Position 1 now?

What insight do you get by looking with the eyes of an external observer? What suggestion would you give yourself for here?

For instance, you might find that it wasn’t so much about what the other person was doing as much as it was how you were feeling at the time.

Step out of Third Position when you’re ready. Shake yourself free of that physical and mental state.

Shake yourself free of that physical and mental state! And breath! …Which I hope you’ve kept on doing more than twice so far!

Time to take the leap to Fourth Position (4).

You are now noticing what thoughts and conclusions you made whilst in Third Position.

You can even observe imaginary dialogue between you in First Position and you in Third. Pretty meta, huh?

Ask yourself, “What would happen if I swapped Positions 1 and 3?” You may come to new conclusions about the situation that allow you to look at the situation from a more positive angle.

Shake out of Fourth Position and head back into Second.

With your newfound insights, ask yourself, “Has anything changed? What do I notice?” You are likely to come up with different, more open-minded responses than before.

Finally, let’s get back into First Position.

How do you feel about the whole situation now? What new understandings have you gained? How has this affected how you view the other person and yourself?

Give this a few tries over time with different situations. You’re gonna find yourself far more capable of holding multiple perspectives than before!

What’s the effect of all this?

You’re gonna find yourself able to be much more flexible, compassionate and empathetic towards yourself and others than before.

Remember: the person most able to control the situation is the one with the most flexibility in how they respond.

Make sure you’re that person!

P.S. As for me and James? We’re on better terms now. Has he changed? Not really – but the way I realise how we interact has, even if it took several years of knowing him. No one says this stuff is easy – but when you keep a flexible mind, anything is possible!