“You don’t have to be interesting – you have to be interested.”
John M. Gottman.
You have a powerful mind.
There is no doubt about it – your brain is incredible, filling with new thoughts and ideas with every passing moment.
For this reason, we’re great at being in our heads.
Being “up there” helps us to be articulate, thoughtful and aware of what’s going on.
Unfortunately, it’s this same strength that gets the better of us when we’re with people.
Let’s consider my friend, Sam.
He’s very cerebral: very intelligent, very witty, and overall great company – you probably have a friend like Sam.
Yet, Sam is also very preoccupied because he’s always in his head.
Whenever he listens to people in conversation, he’s so focused on what he’s going to say in response that he’s not fully “there”.
Sam can miss out on certain nuances of conversation or misinterpret what’s going on simply because he’s busy thinking about what’s “the best thing to say next”.
Sam’s so concentrated thinking about the future that he’s missing out on the moment.
Sometimes people misinterpret his thoughtfulness for disinterestedness, or his calm logic as emotional coldness. Not only that, but because he’s so busy thinking about everything, he finds himself anxious and on edge more often than he’d like.
What’s the shift? What’s the secret?
Thinking is important, but you don’t need to be stuck in your head to do it.
Believe me, that’s not an easy thing to say if you’re a cerebral person like me.
So, what’s the “secret”?
Be with the other person.
When you’re listening while thinking how to respond, you’re not there.
Be in the moment. When you’re listening, listen.
Listening while planning your response isn’t fully listening.
When you’re up your head, you’re not in the room.
Be in the moment. When you’re in your body, you’re present.
Shifting your focus from your thoughts to the other person puts you “in the room”.
When you’re piecing together a response, you’re “doing”.
Be in the moment. When your words come to you naturally, you’re being.
Being yourself and being with the other person enriches the connection.
When I’m here, I feel like I’m not just “observing” you – I’m walking with you.
I felt my understanding, compassion, and creativity soar when I realised this “secret” – a “secret” that more people deserve to know.
Now it’s in your hands: it’s your turn to listen to listen.
You’ll be amazed the difference it makes.
Click here to download my “Generative Conversation” poster – my gift to you.
Clic aquí para descargar mi cartel de “Conversación Generativa” en Español.
(Gracias a Daniel Oil de Hikari Generativa).
Clic aquí per descarregar el meu cartell de “Conversa Generativa” en Català.
(Gràcies a Nur Garriga de la Amazing English Center).
Clique aqui para baixar meu cartaz “Conversa Generativa” em Português do Brasil.
(Graças a Josy Mello).
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This is listening with our heart and not with our brain, when we listen thinking what to say we are suffering and we are not 100% present with the other one, we need to feel the inspiration not the square brain to talk. I usually help people with websites, business coaching and some problems with their systems and I do not need to talk with the other person to solve his problem, I listen until he finish and I only solve the problem of ask him sometings to do my job better. The heart is for people and the brain for tools, when I smile at the same with my friends, when I only give a hug to them that’s enough because I make an deep rapport to the other one and the speech is not necessary. Why there are sometimes we only think what to say or what to do? because we are afraid, our worst enemy is to be afraid because it limits us to happiness, I have only one phrase to finish my comment to this beautiful article. Don’t be afraid, you only need not to think with your mind, just put your heart into action!