Of all the relationships we hold, which one is most important? Of all those we maintain, which one is key to support all the ones that matter to us? It’s not with work, it’s not with friends, and it’s not with family – it’s the relationship that we have with ourselves.

When we don’t value or respect ourselves enough, we stop doing our best – and it’s easy to fall into the trap of coasting through life and waiting for things to happen to us. Likewise, when we strive to hold ourselves to high standards, we’ve all experienced being burned, along with our self-esteem, when our best hasn’t been good enough. We’ve all heard that we are our own biggest critic. Sometimes, we forget that we can also be our own biggest supporter.

We all fall into the same routines and the same thought processes. What happens when you start getting creative and mixing up that inner conversation? Rather than focusing on our interpersonal relationships this month, let’s take a few moments to reflect that single one that is most personal, and most unique to us.

Understand what your expectations demand of you.

We’re used to holding ourselves to a higher standard – yet sometimes, we just need to give ourselves a break and take a look at where our expectations are coming from and how they affect us.

Picture the most extroverted person you can think of, then double that energy. That’s me; someone who likes to light up whichever room I walk into, someone who can talk for hours to anyone who listens, and someone who can connect with anybody under any circumstance. Being able to communicate and connect with everyone I meet is one of the qualities I’m most proud of. Then, I went to live in Japan – a country where confident English speakers can be far and few between. Suddenly, I felt like my most valuable trait had gone up in smoke. There I was, an expert communicator without a language to communicate with, struggling to even converse with a cashier.

Have you ever found yourself feeling inadequate or “not good enough,” when everything you knew still seemed insufficient to handle a clear obstacle, deal with the task at hand, or a put an end to a vexing problem that you should have dealt with a long time ago? Maybe you can relate.

When we hold ourselves to high a standard, we tend to find it hard to come to terms with feeling inept or even helpless. At times like this, we need to take a moment to give ourselves a break – because when we don’t, our self-esteem tends to take a dive. Judging ourselves too harshly not only doesn’t help, but tends to make things worse and the situation heavier.

Disappointment, shock and confusion are functions of our expectations. When you start finding yourself going down a demotivational path, take a moment to consider:

  • What was I expecting?
  • How do these circumstances compare to the one I’m used to?
  • What different skills, knowledge or overall approach does this situation need?
  • Have I been exposed to the opportunity to develop these skills in the past?

Examining where our poor performance stems from may allow us to realise that our expectations of our abilities are unrealistic and allow us to flexibly adjust them.

As The Oblique Life’s Relationship Correspondent, I’m providing you with new articles every month to deepen what you know about yourself and others and how you can reliably bring out the best in your friendships and iron out those problems before they get to you.

Want to read the rest of the article? Learn more about how you can nip conflict in the bud by ALIGNING with a shared perspective or Adopting a positive ANGLE when you check out my article on The Oblique Life Digital Magazine.