So much changes with the passage of time. Our priorities change; the people around us change; we change. So why is it that some conversations keep coming up, time and time again, like unwanted reruns? Despite our best efforts, the same issues can keep cropping up – and far too often in the same place with the same people. Whichever label you give them – drama, problems or issues – these are unwanted, repeated interactions that you could do without.

How did they start? That’s always a nuanced question – and usually the wrong one to ask, because it sweeps us up into a whirlpool of “who said” and “who did”. How can you finally put them to rest? Surprisingly, that’s an easier question, if you come at it from the right perspective.

Here are three ways you can reclaim peace in your relationships.

ACKNOWLEDGE an underlying concern.

When we argue, sometimes all we want is for our intentions to be recognised.

When I lived with a group of colleagues in Kawasaki, we had to leave every morning to go to teach. I was very dismayed, however, when they repeatedly left without me whenever I needed an extra minute to get ready. For me, leaving at 8.16am instead of 8.15am to walk to the train station was hardly sacrilege! After all, we were arriving at the venue more than early enough. I felt justified in my indignation until, one day, I realised that everyone was aiming for a very specific train (there are way too many types in Japan), and an extra minute could be the difference between taking the ideal “limited express line” or the far less prestigious “express line”.

Acknowledging the primary concern – catching the right train with time to spare – allowed me to take a step back from thinking about my concern of being left behind and to put everything in perspective. Rather than focusing on me having to compromise, it allowed me to think about a common goal that we jointly agreed on. In many situations, you’ll frequently discover that the concern underlying a complaint or an argument is one that you can appreciate – and even if you don’t necessarily agree, leaving others with the feeling that the essence of what they have been trying to say has been accurately received goes a long way in quelling tensions.

When you find yourself caught up in the moment with someone, consider:

  • What specifically is it about what’s going on that bothers me?
  • What might be their underlying concern or positive intention?
  • How can I leave them feeling listened to and understood?

As The Oblique Life’s Relationship Correspondent, I’m providing you with new articles every month to deepen what you know about yourself and others and how you can reliably bring out the best in your friendships and iron out those problems before they get to you.

Want to read the rest of the article? Learn more about how you can nip conflict in the bud by ALIGNING with a shared perspective or Adopting a positive ANGLE when you check out my article on The Oblique Life Digital Magazine.